hoihoi, dear,
hope you can effectively "listen to" me by gmail. quite important for
us, as analysis for our problems last week or earlier.
now I understand myself why i behave unconsciously in an
"against-Chris" "mean" way once my nerve is stirred by some of your
"not-meant-to-be-mean" reaction
this is " I'll desert you before you desert me" syndrome of mine.
this was taught by my past experience with my closest ones, papi,
mami. I must gain full independence, thus "desert" or throw away my
reliance on them before they leave me, even temporarily. I must get
myself prepared for any form of their "abandonment" even though I know
they love me emotionally, and they would never forever leave me.and
they will return back to me. I just need to endure.
This pattern broke down at my age of 16 to 17. As you know, at 15 or
16, I started my first "relationship" (which includes holding-hands
once) or precisely speaking, deeply emotional attachment to someone
else other than my parents, my "first love'. At first, this pattern
continued thanks to the similar kind of "long-distance" as we
experience in last 3 years. His school in the east end of city and
mine in the west end. This situation continued for almost one year. I
was actually fine with this as I expected, just like my relationship
to my parents, it is always there. Even if he did not see me for
months, and he contacted me less and less, I could be independent on
my own, I just needed to endure, the separation would end and we could
finally have our time together. But this time, time together was
never realized and I only received his "final good-bye" message after
1 year. And then, you know, I had all the depression problems and
finally escaped from Zhengzhou to Singapore. you know everything about
what happened after.
I would say, since then, since that "break-up"message at age of 16
to17, I am further convinced with the dictum " I'll desert you before
you desert me", which my mom also taught me long before with her own
story.
Could you in any way link all the above to my strange behavior as you
described " yiqiao totally in another mood and another world" ?
To be honest, what happened last year around this time is exactly my
red-light full-alarmed self-protecting/defending preparation against
the worst scenario "losing you", with all the hint by you and
projection by me, which seemed so real as my experience at the age of
16 to 17 would repeat again in my life. Admittedly, this preparation
process includes transferring part of my emotion onto someone else
close by me, who was willing to accept everything about me. Now
looking back, this disastrous mistake deeply hurt the other one,
painfully hurt myself and constantly hurt you. This scar appears and
reappears whenever there is something disturbing between us and it
makes more turbulence and mistrust each time. I know, I am the one to
blame, responsible for all. So far, I am still terribly guilty of all
hurting to us and to him. i guess, this is another source of my
"occasionally" occurring depression.
Around this time of this year, every detail that can be recalled is
cruel enough to destroy any holiday mood. The same kind of
self-defending naturally bounced back when my fragile sense of
security in general is threatened ( surly not targeted at you). I
simply wanted most simply happiness and love without worries and
dispute or any form of threat. Once this is not achieve, my balance of
happy mood is broken and I automatically retreat into my own territory
of self protection. It seemed to be the way of survival for me, with
all its consequent hurting and depression. Now it is time to prove
myself that this is the wrong way.
When I repetitively ask you "will you marry me?", this is not a
forcing gesture to pull you, trap you into marriage immediately, but a
searching for sense of security on my own. But this frightens you. you
may not realize, I was just begging for some kind of reassurance that
my 16-17 experience will never come back again. If I am right, I only
asked you this when I am in "healthy" mood and willing to share,
without any shield of self defending. At that moment, I do hope I can
find the same level or even higher level of security in you than in my
parents, that I have "someone" who will always come back to me and
attend to me and who never forever leaves me even with all the
inevitable separating intervals in between. Then I find my home within
us
You can be assured to remove the doubt or idea that " I would like to
change partner for fun or I am now with you for fun" , just as you can
be assured that I never thought and never think " you are playful
"westerner" who is with me for fun and would abandon me in asia and
return back to your own land". Though I never told you, I never think
like that. My deepest fear lies in the possibility that someone you
cannot stand me anymore or stand the situation being together with me
and you quit. I know, this would possibly become true if I easily take
up my "self-defending" position against you or what's worst, as in
last year, transfer my emotion to someone else, which all are
engendered by aforementioned " I'll desert you before you desert me"
syndrome ( which I picked up when I was small). I know, this behavior
of mine only gives downward vicious cycling.
I want to change or rescue myself from " I'll desert you before you
desert me" syndrome- the most related to our relationship. Besides,
another destructive syndrome is "difficulty of giving up gratification
" (thus I cannot balance well )- most related to my own study and
future career. The latter syndrome mainly appears since I am in
Singapore, where I find gratification is so rare that I have to fully
indulge myself when it's passing by. The consequence is, I fail to
get myself out of one state even long after the last gratifying event
is over. I cannot competently face my next task. When I am forced to
get out by some violent force such as deadline of the next task, I am
depressed, stressed and in a terrible hurry. My assumption that
gratification is rare is wrong. I have many happy moments with you yet
still not gratified due to some hidden "bad mood" ( if you don't like
me to call it "depression"). I have been often in a starving state, in
hunger for gratification so that I could not really enjoy its taste
when it comes ( since I swallow the whole). In return, I elevate my
standard of gratification and gratification seemingly becomes rarer..
You have witnessed all the phenomena of above syndromes. now, you will
have to accept its causes, to accept part of current me as immature
and mentally unhealthy.. now I don't want to be haunted by these. To
get rid of some of them, I need your understanding and help. Of
course, first of all, I give all my trust and confidence in you, in
us. I don't question " you don't like me any more" any more. I might
still ask " will you marry me" from time to time as a way of searching
reassurance, but I know, my only reassurance is your love, our love
Is it a sweet Christmas gift, all my trust and confidence? Yet, you
are lying on bed behind me now, suffering from high fever. Therefore,
this mail seems never-ending.. I always have more to say
THE MOST important is, to get well please,dear. I can't do much for
your fever, but pray regardless of any religion.
I LOVE YOU, and I know, YOU LOVE ME
